Things I heard this week...

I frequently hear things that even out of context, I think are hilarious. Here are a couple from the last day or two. Hopefully they will provide a few LOL's for you.

"No, I am pretty sure that doesn't cause liver damage." {phone hangs up}
"Was that your mom?"
"Yes."
"What is she worried about causing liver damage?"
"Spray tans."
"Oh."

"Maybe we should call South America and see if their average temperatures are off too. Because if they are, then we will know that the earth is improperly tilted on its axis."

"You know, you are walking the path to shame." {A seven year old to his babysitter.}
"Yeah, that's a walk I am all too familiar with."

Another Amazing Discovery aka Similarities Between God and Santa

Everyday I think about God. In fact, He and I chat at great length, daily. One night I was visualizing what I think my God "looks like". I envision him to be an older man with a beard. He doesn't wear flowing robes but something like loose fitting linen clothes that would billow in a summer breeze. I often think of Him, standing or sitting on a vast porch looking out over the plain and thinking to Himself, about me of course, "She'll be back." This is when I may be in less frequent contact with Him. Then I thought, He might be something like Santa in the off season. Just hanging out, relaxing and keeping an eye on things, so to speak. Then I thought about that a little more and started to realize all of the similarities between God and Santa. Here are some of them.
1. In most traditional portrayals, they both have a beard.
2. They both know when you are good and/or bad.
3. They are both very forgiving as long as you recognize your mistakes.
4. They both give gifts.
5. Jesus's Birthday = Big Day
6. They both have a lot of helpers.
7. As a Christian child, you are taught to believe in both.
8. As you age your belief in both may wain or go away altogether.
9. As you age even more, your belief probably comes back, even if only for a moment.
10. If you really believe in both, they will deliver.
Its not too crazy, is it. God. Santa. Just something to think about.

Imitation Crab Meat is the Hot Dog of Seafood

It's totally true. Don't deny that you have eaten it, either. If you have ever eaten sushi from the grocery store, you have eaten it. It you have ever eaten Senational Seafood Salad (sidebar: name couldn't be more fitting because it is truly sensational), then you have eaten it. If you have ever eaten anything where one of the ingredients was listed as "crab stick", then you have eaten it. You don't have to be afraid to admit that you like it. Just like hotdogs. Who doesn't like hotdogs? I mean seriously. You might be morally and ethically opposed to hotdogs claiming that you will not eat them solely based on principal, but you love them. And just as hotdogs are made up of everything from the rooter to the tooter; all the pieces and parts and part and pieces that have no other use; so is the imitation crab meat. Read the label. Here are some of the ingredients. Monk Fish. Really? Monk Fish is commonly known as "the poor man's lobster". Whatev. Pollock. Not like Jackson. Sometimes called Alaskan Cod. Fancy. And any other kind of mild white fish that cannot stand on its own merit. Interesting (or not).

You may wonder why I am blogging about this and why it may or may not be an LOL in my life. I can't answer that other than it was a slow week and I thought it an amazing discovery when I realized that imitation crab is the hot dog of seafood. I don't know. I just never heard anybody make that reference before.

True story.

This one might qualify for a Heather Way World Record. Cue the music.....

What's wrong with cereal for dinner? Seriously. It's not as if we're eating Count Chocula.

is wildly successful in some areas and failing miserably in others. Big Sigh.

OMG....I am over connected and over stimulated. Uh...ohhhh.

Here is where you type into google your first name then the word "needs" and you get your fortune told. Let's see what we have for today, shall we?

1. Heather needs 2 therapists....(That hasn't worked out so well so far.)
2. Heather needs something to be more satisfied....(No truer statement. Maybe a Snickers?)
3. Heather needs a childhood....(That could send us back to number 1.)
4. Heather needs to be herself....(Pretty much doing that.)
5. Heather needs help....(Need more specification-is that a word?)
6. Heather needs men....(Indeedy but doesn't mean I'm needy!)
7. Heather needs Facebook....(I SWEAR I did not make that one up).
8. Heather needs sex help....(Intersting. Maybe some folks from number 6 could shed some light on this one. )
9. Heather needs some body guards....(There have been times when at least "a handler" has proved useful.)
10. Heather needs a bigger cup....(Yeah she does or did.)

BK 2.0

Look at this thing! You just know its going to be a problem. That lovely gooeyness can't help but stick to our favorite utensil...The Butter Knife. And you KNOW you want to LICK IT when it does. But guess what, my previous post helped prevent public humiliation. That's right. Butter Knives: What Not to do with Them (AKA: BK 1.0) has served the greater good.

Shamus Mc. had this to say about BK 1.0: I was recently out to dinner with my mom and my new love interest, Rhys. We ordered Baked Goat Cheese as an appetizer. I LOVE BAKED GOAT CHEESE. To the point of obsession. Like, I really love it. A. Lot. (Jeez, we get the point already. You love goat cheese. Baked.) I cut into the goat cheese and as I pulled out the butter knife, so much of the goat cheese was stuck to the blade. I looked at it in utter lust. I wanted to lick that knife so bad I could taste it, but I read your damn post. I just couldn't do it. I couldn't. I knew it was wrong. I knew it was wrong like moral wrongs are ingrained in you as a young child. And you know what happened: RHYS LICKED IT! And we broke up after dinner.

True Story.

Proud as a Puffin

When I started this blog, I laid out some perameters for myself. I did this because I think that a lot of people are not heard by their loved ones or their co-workers or random passers by and so they resort to blogging as a means to "be heard". To that end, I made a deal with myself that my blog wouldn't turn into a rant about my political views or a cronicle of my dating stories or a quasi-sex-in-the-city memoir. I really want it to be about the random instances in my life that crack me up (heavy on the random). However, as with everything, there has to be a little wiggle room. And therefore I state the following:
EVERYONE JUST NEEDS TO GET OVER IT! Seriously. Everyone I encounter is so negative and crabby and complaining. I understand the need to unload or vent but the constant whining about everything under the sun is getting really old. The definition of insanity is performing the same act over and over expecting a different result or outcome. Isn't whining and/or chronic complaining the same thing. I was at a community meeting this week and heard for the sixth or seventh time the same person stand up and give the same set of gripes. Rather than putting your complaints on tour, why not offer them up WITH A SOLUTION. OMG...what a novel idea. There are some things in life-actually there are a lot of things in life-that we cannot control. Like the weather. And certain factions of the community. And other motorists. And all kinds of things. So, let it go. You will be so much happier. Trust me on this one. Plus, no one really cares.

PS: I know that the title of this post has nothing to do with the content but I really like that picture and couldn't figure out a way to use it. True Story.

Awk-Ward

How often do you find yourself in "that situation". The one you can't walk away from. The one that leaves you trapped in a moment in time that can never be given back or altered. The Situation that may have you laughing with your friends or dying of your own humiliation as you recount it. The Situation that may leave you questioning your lot in life. The Situation...that leaves you thinking to yourself, "Seriously, dude? Did those words just come out of your mouth." But what you really say is, "Oh. Um, I have to check my calendar."

We were...just ahhh...getting some lunch. Yes, it is lunch time. Or at least it was when we got here.

Do they look like they are up to something?

Is it the pearls? Is it the nametag? Is it the 4 martinis - each - that have been consumed (In the light of day, mind you.)? Is it the haircuts that are kind of trying too hard? Is it the fact that they are displaced in Boys Town?

I can't put my finger on it either but something is going on.

They make a cute couple in an inebriated yuppy kind of way. Wonder whatever happened to them? Hope she didn't walk around, drunk in the daytime, with that name tag on for too long.

Cute Top pt. 2

Shelby: Those pants make you look skinny.
Beverly: Yeah. I think it is the shoes.
Shelby: Oh.
Shelby: Are you using your name tag to lint your pants?
Beverly: Maybe.
Shelby: Oh.

Missing: Pants and Letters

Just as I sometimes wish there were more pants where the pants were, right now I am wishing there were more letters where the letters were.

When registering the URL for this damn blog, I spelled continuous incorrectly.

Damn it, Jim!

Cute Top

Shelby: Cute top.
Beverly: Thanks. It's really a dress. Sometimes I just like to pull it up.
Shelby: Oh.

True story.

AKA Valentine's Day 2K9

I felt a compelling need to post today because it is Valentine's Day but couldn't really think of anything worthy of posting. I thought I might find some insperation in a title. Just as I couldn't decide on a Valentine, I was having difficulty deciding on a title, too. So, I thought I would just share all of the titles that I came up with. Some are borrowed and others are original. Some are funny (you and I will think) and some are lame (you will think). They all end in "AKA Valentine's Day 2K9." In any event, I hope your Valentine, if you have one, was the someone special you hoped they would be. And if no one told you they loved you today, I love you. xoxo

*Please Be More Positive With Your Feedback.
*(Unrequited) Love Stinks.
*Nerds Aspire To Be Me.
*Apparently, Someone Was Not Heard By Their Loved Ones This Morning.
*If No One Told You I love You Today, I Love You.
*I'm Not Bitter And I Am Not A Liar. Both Are Untrue.
*If I Get Up Early Enough Tomorrow, I Wonder How Many Strides Of Pride I Will See?
*If SHE Has A Date, Why Don't I? Oh Yea, Because I am Using The "I Chose To Be Alone" Excuse.
*Celebrating MILFs All Over The World.
*For A Little While, I Was Falling In Love.
*It's A Great Night To Sit Alone In Starbucks And Work On This Dumbass Blog.
*If There Is A God, Then Why Is My Arse The Perfect Height For Kicking?
*Seriously, Dan? Seriously?
*If All The Good Ones Are Taken, And I Am Not Taken, What Does That Say?
*Happy Birthday, Megan!
*According To Craig's List, I Am Still Not Missing Any Connections.
*Quit Staring At Me. You're Alone Too.
*Jerkface 2K9
*I Might Be Alone, But You Just Walked By With 30 LBS Of Cat Litter. 'Nuff Said.

**I Can't Help But Smile Today.....True Story

Butter Knives: What not to do with Them

A butter knife is for cutting things that aren't difficult to cut.
A butter knife (stating the obvious here) is for spreading butter.
A butter knife can be used to loosen the lid of a jar.
A butter knife can be used to jimmy a lock.
A butter knife has many acceptable and proper uses. Such as subbing as a letter opener. That's ok. The following is not ok.
Licking. A BUTTER KNIFE IS NOT TO BE LICKED at the dinner table IN A RESTAURANT (and yes, I AM SHOUTING THIS).

The following is an acutal recount of a Butter Knife Licking Incident. In the end, no one was hurt.

I recently went on a date. I would call it the second date and our first meal together. The gentleman (using the term losely) licked his butter knife. He licked it after thinking about it. He looked at the butter knife, a flash of "do I or don't I" went across his face, and he went for it. It wasn't anywhere near subtle. It was a full-on-slobbering-I-am-going-to-get-everything-stuck-to-this-knife-off-of-this-knife lick. Yes, it was that bad and that obvious. I wish I could say that the talent of his tongue cleaning the knife led my mind to wander to other, we'll call them interesting, thoughts. But it didn't. I was just really grossed out. I wonder if he does it a lot? Lick the butter knife, that is. I will never know.

I know its really tempting to misuse utensils and its probably a little ok in the privacy of your own home. But do not do it in public. On a date. In a crowded restaurant. Resist the urge. Forego the extra sauce or cheese or crusty whatever that is stuck to the knife. Just don't do it.

He did pay for dinner (with money that he fetched from his two-tone-brown-nylon-velcro-closure wallet).

True Story.