Thursday, February 26, 2009

Proud as a Puffin

When I started this blog, I laid out some perameters for myself. I did this because I think that a lot of people are not heard by their loved ones or their co-workers or random passers by and so they resort to blogging as a means to "be heard". To that end, I made a deal with myself that my blog wouldn't turn into a rant about my political views or a cronicle of my dating stories or a quasi-sex-in-the-city memoir. I really want it to be about the random instances in my life that crack me up (heavy on the random). However, as with everything, there has to be a little wiggle room. And therefore I state the following:
EVERYONE JUST NEEDS TO GET OVER IT! Seriously. Everyone I encounter is so negative and crabby and complaining. I understand the need to unload or vent but the constant whining about everything under the sun is getting really old. The definition of insanity is performing the same act over and over expecting a different result or outcome. Isn't whining and/or chronic complaining the same thing. I was at a community meeting this week and heard for the sixth or seventh time the same person stand up and give the same set of gripes. Rather than putting your complaints on tour, why not offer them up WITH A SOLUTION. OMG...what a novel idea. There are some things in life-actually there are a lot of things in life-that we cannot control. Like the weather. And certain factions of the community. And other motorists. And all kinds of things. So, let it go. You will be so much happier. Trust me on this one. Plus, no one really cares.

PS: I know that the title of this post has nothing to do with the content but I really like that picture and couldn't figure out a way to use it. True Story.

Friday, February 20, 2009


How often do you find yourself in "that situation". The one you can't walk away from. The one that leaves you trapped in a moment in time that can never be given back or altered. The Situation that may have you laughing with your friends or dying of your own humiliation as you recount it. The Situation that may leave you questioning your lot in life. The Situation...that leaves you thinking to yourself, "Seriously, dude? Did those words just come out of your mouth." But what you really say is, "Oh. Um, I have to check my calendar."

We were...just ahhh...getting some lunch. Yes, it is lunch time. Or at least it was when we got here.

Do they look like they are up to something?

Is it the pearls? Is it the nametag? Is it the 4 martinis - each - that have been consumed (In the light of day, mind you.)? Is it the haircuts that are kind of trying too hard? Is it the fact that they are displaced in Boys Town?

I can't put my finger on it either but something is going on.

They make a cute couple in an inebriated yuppy kind of way. Wonder whatever happened to them? Hope she didn't walk around, drunk in the daytime, with that name tag on for too long.

Cute Top pt. 2

Shelby: Those pants make you look skinny.
Beverly: Yeah. I think it is the shoes.
Shelby: Oh.
Shelby: Are you using your name tag to lint your pants?
Beverly: Maybe.
Shelby: Oh.

Thursday, February 19, 2009

Missing: Pants and Letters

Just as I sometimes wish there were more pants where the pants were, right now I am wishing there were more letters where the letters were.

When registering the URL for this damn blog, I spelled continuous incorrectly.

Damn it, Jim!

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

Cute Top

Shelby: Cute top.
Beverly: Thanks. It's really a dress. Sometimes I just like to pull it up.
Shelby: Oh.

True story.

Saturday, February 14, 2009

AKA Valentine's Day 2K9

I felt a compelling need to post today because it is Valentine's Day but couldn't really think of anything worthy of posting. I thought I might find some insperation in a title. Just as I couldn't decide on a Valentine, I was having difficulty deciding on a title, too. So, I thought I would just share all of the titles that I came up with. Some are borrowed and others are original. Some are funny (you and I will think) and some are lame (you will think). They all end in "AKA Valentine's Day 2K9." In any event, I hope your Valentine, if you have one, was the someone special you hoped they would be. And if no one told you they loved you today, I love you. xoxo

*Please Be More Positive With Your Feedback.
*(Unrequited) Love Stinks.
*Nerds Aspire To Be Me.
*Apparently, Someone Was Not Heard By Their Loved Ones This Morning.
*If No One Told You I love You Today, I Love You.
*I'm Not Bitter And I Am Not A Liar. Both Are Untrue.
*If I Get Up Early Enough Tomorrow, I Wonder How Many Strides Of Pride I Will See?
*If SHE Has A Date, Why Don't I? Oh Yea, Because I am Using The "I Chose To Be Alone" Excuse.
*Celebrating MILFs All Over The World.
*For A Little While, I Was Falling In Love.
*It's A Great Night To Sit Alone In Starbucks And Work On This Dumbass Blog.
*If There Is A God, Then Why Is My Arse The Perfect Height For Kicking?
*Seriously, Dan? Seriously?
*If All The Good Ones Are Taken, And I Am Not Taken, What Does That Say?
*Happy Birthday, Megan!
*According To Craig's List, I Am Still Not Missing Any Connections.
*Quit Staring At Me. You're Alone Too.
*Jerkface 2K9
*I Might Be Alone, But You Just Walked By With 30 LBS Of Cat Litter. 'Nuff Said.

**I Can't Help But Smile Today.....True Story

Thursday, February 12, 2009

Butter Knives: What not to do with Them

A butter knife is for cutting things that aren't difficult to cut.
A butter knife (stating the obvious here) is for spreading butter.
A butter knife can be used to loosen the lid of a jar.
A butter knife can be used to jimmy a lock.
A butter knife has many acceptable and proper uses. Such as subbing as a letter opener. That's ok. The following is not ok.


The following is an acutal recount of a Butter Knife Licking Incident. In the end, no one was hurt.

I recently went on a date. I would call it the second date and our first meal together. The gentleman (using the term losely) licked his butter knife. He licked it after thinking about it. He looked at the butter knife, a flash of "do I or don't I" went across his face, and he went for it. It wasn't anywhere near subtle. It was a full-on-slobbering-I-am-going-to-get-everything-stuck-to-this-knife-off-of-this-knife lick. Yes, it was that bad and that obvious. I wish I could say that the talent of his tongue cleaning the knife led my mind to wander to other, we'll call them interesting, thoughts. But it didn't. I was just really grossed out. I wonder if he does it a lot? Lick the butter knife, that is. I will never know.

I know its really tempting to misuse utensils and its probably a little ok in the privacy of your own home. But do not do it in public. On a date. In a crowded restaurant. Resist the urge. Forego the extra sauce or cheese or crusty whatever that is stuck to the knife. Just don't do it.

He did pay for dinner (with money that he fetched from his two-tone-brown-nylon-velcro-closure wallet).

True Story.