Thursday, February 12, 2009

Butter Knives: What not to do with Them

A butter knife is for cutting things that aren't difficult to cut.
A butter knife (stating the obvious here) is for spreading butter.
A butter knife can be used to loosen the lid of a jar.
A butter knife can be used to jimmy a lock.
A butter knife has many acceptable and proper uses. Such as subbing as a letter opener. That's ok. The following is not ok.


The following is an acutal recount of a Butter Knife Licking Incident. In the end, no one was hurt.

I recently went on a date. I would call it the second date and our first meal together. The gentleman (using the term losely) licked his butter knife. He licked it after thinking about it. He looked at the butter knife, a flash of "do I or don't I" went across his face, and he went for it. It wasn't anywhere near subtle. It was a full-on-slobbering-I-am-going-to-get-everything-stuck-to-this-knife-off-of-this-knife lick. Yes, it was that bad and that obvious. I wish I could say that the talent of his tongue cleaning the knife led my mind to wander to other, we'll call them interesting, thoughts. But it didn't. I was just really grossed out. I wonder if he does it a lot? Lick the butter knife, that is. I will never know.

I know its really tempting to misuse utensils and its probably a little ok in the privacy of your own home. But do not do it in public. On a date. In a crowded restaurant. Resist the urge. Forego the extra sauce or cheese or crusty whatever that is stuck to the knife. Just don't do it.

He did pay for dinner (with money that he fetched from his two-tone-brown-nylon-velcro-closure wallet).

True Story.


  1. That's hysterical! The best part is you saw him think about it!

  2. I say we fore go the pretensions and just use our hands.
    I'm still not allowed to use utensils in some restaurants.

  3. That is fucked up. I'd say dump the disgusting man and opt for a man who doesn't lick his butter knife. This is dire, Heath the feath. Imagine the future with this man. If he sees a piece of food left on your plate that you haven't been able to get off completely, is he going to lick it too? Or what about if he sees a stain on his shirt. Hopefully no lick there, I presume? And what about if he finds a booger trailing down your nose...Jebus save us all.

  4. I was more put off by the two-tone brown velcro wallet

  5. Leather-this information is critical to what will become your first best selling novel. Before getting married, I complied a song based on my worst dating experiences. Each guy had a song or a lyric that best described him and our "relationship". I actually wrote an article and keep it on my hard drive. It's pretty hilarious. Keep them coming!!!

  6. Well, I was going to take this opportunity to apologize for my actions but that notion has since passed...
    Who would have thought our "encounter" with said butter knife would end up on a blog (YOUR blog,that is)? I certainly cannot undo what has been done, however, I am secure in my butter knife licking compulsion and will continue to do so. In fact, I am currently dating a woman who does not judge me for my ways. She is just fine with it, furthermore, she even commends me at home. "No need for pre-rinse"! She has also nick-named me "Cascade"!
    As for the was given to me by my grandfather prior to him "passing" due to a bizzare gardening accident, actually it was more of me taking it than him giving it to me but I dont have to give it back now. Good luck with your "blogging"! :(